I was going to say my handbag is like the Tardis, but it isn’t. The Tardis simile suggests my bag has a compact exterior and a vast interior. But it hasn’t. It’s just plain old elephantine inside and out. I find its capaciousness to be generally advantageous because I have a penchant for carrying items of about A4 size – note pads, folders
To Hell in a Handbag...
and magazines, for example. However, the more gigantic the handbag the greater the number of ‘might-need’ objects one can store in its monstrous depths. This simple truth resulted in me rooting around the damn thing for about 5 minutes, the other day, in search of a pen. Having pulled out an umbrella, some chewing gum and a sanitary towel I gave up and borrowed one – this never happened to Mary Poppins, I thought. On my return home, convinced there was a pen lurking in there somewhere, I emptied the contents onto my bed.
Handbag Contents:
1 retractable umbrella
1 black beret
1 foldable back pack – to use instead of carrier bag.
1 small purse – containing: £16.08 – with attached keyring and large selection of keys.
1 make-up bag containing various cosmetic items
1 bottle of water
1 long vintage glove – other one is later located in the laundry basket, having been mistaken for a sock.
1 sample of fabric from a coat – got the cotton last week in Peter Jones. Note to self: mend coat.
1 pair sunglasses
1 plain notebook – almost entirely full of scribbled observations.
1 WordPress for Dummies book – how else do you think I got started on this thing?!
1 A-Z devoid of cover – you never know when you’re going to stray off the beaten track.
1 Ethics a Graphic Guide – a lot of information in an easily digestible illustrated format!
1 Vogue – The Secret Address Book supplement – with some pages stuck together by an unidentifiable, brown, sticky substance…
1 wage slip – yes… I thought it was a joke too.
1 filofax – rarely, if ever, used – but it’s the thought that counts, eh?
10 pence piece
Various bits of paper
6 pens – I knew it!
1 broken DKNY handbag – see below.
Chewing gum wrappers
1 tube cold sore cream – I hate the damn things, they seriously cramp your style – and hurt.
1 sanitary towel
1 wallet, containing: oyster card, debit card, some receipts, an unidentifiable blue ticket, a Boots money-off token, a ‘To Do’ list, £10 note x 2, bird brooches x 2
Some paper napkins – I don’t know about you, but when Jack Frost nips at my nose, it gets all red and damp.
Balm Balm Lip Balm (Rose and Geranium) – better than Vaseline, I reckon, and so much more than a lip balm – see lid for details…
Large safety pin – it’s the Mac Gyver in me…
Small selection of Dr Who badges – what’s with all the Doctor Who stuff today?
There is some method to all this mad-bag-ness. I did have my ‘essential’ items – face powder, lipstick and err change and keys – in a separate smaller DKNY bag attached to the outside
This would never happen to Mary Poppins...
of the larger bag. However, in an Amy Winehouse-esque act of self-destruction the zip sliced its way through its own fabric, rendering it a shadow of its former self and ultimately useless. And the wallet containing my oyster and debit cards is attached to a retractable elastic cord – a cunning method by which to fish it out easily, ensure these ‘must-have’ items aren’t left languishing on a table top in a galaxy far, far away; and deter wannabe pick pockets. I have tried the retractable elastic cord thing on other items, however, it all got a bit cat’s cradle crazy – and that is never, ever, a good thing for a handbag, or the cat…
Marnie had some bad things in her bag...
According to Australian media personality and social analyst, Kathryn Eisman, author of How To Tell A Woman By Her Handbag, my handbag is spreading rumours about me – well, it’s not just me, that’s just the paranoia speaking. Eisman – I’m envisioning Mystic Meg meets Desmond Morris – uses the handbag as a tool to analyse the owner’s personality and she has identified four main archetypes – how very Jung!
Expressive: Basically heart of gold with a streak of hooker…
Creatives: Organised chaos and cauldron of change
Prepared: Girl scout
Minimal: The Bauhaus of bag ladies
Or for a completely different take on the beauty and the bag subject, have a gander at In Your Purse: Archaeology of the American Handbag, apparently:
“…the first exhaustive quantitative and qualitative study to delve into the contents and context of the only instrument that connects the home, where consumer needs occur, and the store, where these needs are fulfilled: in a woman’s purse.”
If that doesn’t sound like your bag – boom boom! – all too technical, consumerist and what not, then watch this.
If your bag’s like mine, then you might want to think about having a bag overhaul. Gwynne Allyn Warner, a Feng Shui Consultant, having her own adventures over in Portland, Oregan (USA don’t you know), reckons that now, with the credit crunch ‘n’ all, is the perfect time to make-over your handbag to make room all them money bags you really, really want. Gwynne says a magnetic money handbag should ideally be:
Money Bag Shaped – natch!
Red – to attract fame, recognition, helpful people and good luck; or
Black – I hear a collective sigh of relief! – for its career associations; or
Gold and Red – a bit full on for day maybe, but its ‘Prosperity’ message rings out loud and clear; or
Green – new beginnings (and eco-trendy, I guess);
And, lastly, banish buttons from your purse immediately and replace with REAL money.
Or maybe I should just stop burying my head in my bag and get a life? As usual I’m in two minds on this one, but hey, a tidy up is going to make me feel better and prevent me from going to hell in my handbag… or because of my handbag… or something like that.
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Adventuress Undressed 