Beige Zombosis – The Bland Leading the Bland?

Beige Zombosis
beige [beyzh] zombosis [zom-boh-sis]
–noun Pathology

Beige Zombosis is an affliction of chronic blandness and banality most often affecting the middle-aged middle class. Also frequently found amongst suburban-dwelling groups, such as the housewife, the city worker and their teenage offspring. The most common manifestation of BZ is what is commonly referred to as ‘keeping up with the Joneses’, or status anxiety, causing the sufferer to seek solace for his, or her, repressed immaterial desires through material means. Those afflicted with BZ invariably develop insatiable cravings for the latest must-have items or must-do experiences as deemed meretricious by their relative peer group – the aforementioned ‘Joneses’ – but within certain restrictive parameters (see below).

 Symptoms include:

All Charity but No Balls
An acute concern to appear politically correct; or the adoption of an extreme and narrow view based on little, to no evidence – usually gleaned from grazing on muesli and sensational media stories at breakfast. Sufferers like to be seen to support popular causes of the day, attending charity galas, auctions and the like; sporting charity wristbands and slogan emblazoned t-shirts to mask an apathetic disposition and the suppressed belief that all action to affect change to the current status quo is in fact pointless.

 Bland Ambition
Opting for the most ‘tasteful’ and understated option usually devoid of any character or true design aesthetic in matters of sartorial and interior design. Sufferers often display addictive tendencies, continuously purchasing unwarranted amounts of products, which to the untrained eye appear to be identical.  This ‘addiction’ is compounded by the fact the sufferer has developed an almost supernatural ability to distinguish various shades of beige and consider them markedly different, exclaiming, with a tone of thinly veiled incredulility, that, “This is Almost Oyster. Whereas this is Gentle Fawn!” when challenged. Favoured haunts include: Ikea, The Gap, or Abercrombie & Fitch – interestingly often referred to as Aberzombie due to its particular appeal to the BZ.
  
The Distraction Reaction
A sneaking suspicion that there is something more to life than the latest car / shoes / holiday / mobile phone etc is suppressed, invariably by way of various legal mood altering substances – notably prescription painkillers or alcohol – or distractions, often developed  into finely tuned obsessions with computer games, what the neighbours are doing, or golfing handicaps. Botox is also more frequently the drug of choice for women of a certain age wishing to maintain not only an outwardly youthful appearance, but also an ‘everything’s fine and dandy’ expression at all times.

 
The White Picket [De]Fence
A them and us, not in my back yard mentality, resulting in an over-protectionist attitude to property, personal safety and notably, off-spring: who, regarded as demi-gods, are shuttled to and from school / playgroup / parties / sports practice by way of 4x4s, which, ironically, in protecting its passengers are more likely to kill or maim others’ off-spring.  This attitude extends to prison / reform centre / wind turbine / nuclear power plant locations.